Why is your child inferiority, rebellion and glass heart? The truth surprised many parents.

School is coming soon, and my son still has a lot of homework for the summer vacation, but he is in no hurry. He still watches TV for a while every day.

it is useless for me to urge and nag.

my husband winked at me and said, "Don't rush him. I don't think he can finish it!"

my son, who was smiling and watching TV, stopped laughing and whispered, "there's still time. I'm sure I can finish it before school starts."

"really? Why don't I believe it? Don't write a word today if you can. I'll see if I can finish it! " My husband looks like "you are bragging".

my son was obviously angry: "I'll write after watching this episode."

my husband looked disdainful again: "I don't think you dare not write!" Don't write if you dare! "

my son turned off the TV angrily, slammed the door and went to do his homework.

my husband said proudly, "look!" Is it still my challenge method that works? "

although he succeeded in getting his son before his homework, I still don't think it's right to see him angry.

there is a question and answer on Zhihu: how do you think about parents' use of "motivational education"?

highly praised replied: "the general method can not be called education, even if it is effective, it can not be used."

using a child's self-esteem and rebellion to stimulate him to make progress seems to be good for the child, but is this really the case?

during the college entrance examination, a candidate in Nanchong ran away from home. His father was so anxious that he posted a missing person notice in the streets and alleys of Nanchong.

"Jiahao, Dad regrets challenging you during the college entrance examination. Come back, Mom and Dad will always love you!"

We don't know exactly how the father motivates his son.

but the fact that the child runs away from home has confirmed the side effects of the provocation method.

happiness psychologist Zhou Fan said:

"the motivational method does not accord with the working principle of psychology at all.

because self-change requires strength, every change requires strength to break old habits, and guilt is the fastest thing to stifle the sense of power. The more you judge or condemn others, the more you deprive them of the power to change. "

some people may think that challenging the method can make the child feel ashamed, and then "know the shame and then be brave" and begin to change yourself.

but the child is still young and does not understand the good intentions behind his parents, so he only feels the insult of being inspired.

and insulting doesn't make a child better, it may get worse.

in the variety show "my Little tail", there was an issue about my brother taking his sister to the amusement park and encountered a particularly high slide.

other children have a brother holding him and skating together, but the brother and sister of thoughtfulness and Mengmeng are not.

lie down and have a rest under the slide. My sister went up alone. She was a little scared and dared not slide down.

to be honest, the slide is a little high, and the adult man's legs are weak with fear, not to mention a little girl who is only a few years old.

not only did she not dispel her sister's psychological fear, but a word made her give up the game.

he smiled and asked his sister, "Mengmeng!" Are you a coward? "

my sister just said "scared", but she refused to admit it: "it's not me!"

but she couldn't prove herself, so she had to back down and quit.

No matter how much everyone tried to persuade her, my sister refused to play on the slide alone, and then she just sat on the ground and splashed it.

psychologist Adler says:

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A lot of children's behavioral problems can be attributed to their discouragement.

and most of the time, discouragement is caused by adults, because it is easy to judge children from their own point of view. "

every child wants to be praised, affirmed, and prove that he is not a "coward".

but reality makes him powerless.

the adult's excitement will only add fuel to the child's frustration. He simply sits down on the adult's words and loses the enthusiasm to work hard again.

provoke, accidentally turn into anger, enraged children will not let adults get what they want.

02

the consequences of constantly stimulating their children

parents can't imagine

you should have heard the story of a Thai father and son:

the son is addicted to computer games, and the father looks like a headache.

one day, the son was sitting in front of the computer playing games. The angry father pulled out a gun, loaded it, threw it in front of his son and said, "Don't live if you dare!"

then turned away angrily.

if you have guts, don't live; if you continue to live, you will have no guts.

the dilemma son did not hesitate to pick up the gun and pulled the trigger to his head.

looking at his collapsed son, the father fainted, and it was no use regretting it.

there is Longquan on the tongue, killing people without blood.

you can never imagine how insulting the dharma can bring to your children.

he would rather die than prove that he is not as bad as his parents say he is.

although such extreme cases are only a few, this insult in the name of "fierce general" can make a good child psychologically distorted.

there is a father in Chongqing who often stimulates his son who is less than 3 years old.

when the son didn't pick up the toys, the father said, "if you don't accept the toys, I'll give your toys to my sister-in-law."

my son was afraid of losing his toys, so he put them away at once.

if the son doesn't eat well, the father will say that he will buy toys for his little cousin in the future.He bought it.

my son will obey in order to prove that he is a good and obedient boy.

Mom sees that this method is easy to use and often uses it.

once, when her son washed his face and knocked over the washbasin, leaving a room full of water, the mother stimulated her son and said, "you are so bad, take your new bike to your sister."

my son cried and said, "it's mine, not for her!" I hate her! "

my son liked to play with his little cousin at first, but since this incident, whenever he met his little cousin, he robbed his cousin and sometimes beat her.

educator Yin Jianli said: "subtext is the most important line."

the most important feature of the provocative method is that in addition to the "literal meaning", there is also an "implication".

when children want to prove themselves, but it is difficult to do so, the literal meaning of their parents will work. Children can not help but doubt themselves, the original I am really not well-behaved, really a coward, really. Confidence is destroyed.

if the voice outside the string is to work, the child will have to make more efforts and experience greater setbacks, and this discomfort will make him bored, rebellious, and even hated.

either doubt yourself or hate others, either of which will bring a lot of mental stress to the child.

over time, children are prone to anxiety, and it is difficult to build a strong heart and sunny character.

but true love does not hurt.

if a method often makes children feel bad or angry, it must be morbid.

the challenge method is essentially a kind of morbid education.

03

Smart parents never "challenge"

but "encourage" their children to take the initiative to improve

as the saying goes, "Please will not be as good as the general."

means that it is better to stimulate others to do things with words than to ask them to do things directly.

but the global best-selling parenting book, positive discipline, tells us that only in a kind and determined atmosphere can children develop self-discipline, a sense of responsibility, cooperation and their own ability to solve problems. Children cannot be educated in painful negative ways such as punishment, stimulation, humiliation, and so on.

if you want your child to do things well, you must first make him feel better. "exciting" will not be as good as "please".