Li Meijin: what kind of families do self-disciplined children come from? Cymbal

attended the children's parent-teacher meeting two days ago, I heard many mothers complain about their children:

homework that can be done in an hour is put off until sleep;

unconsciously, I read books, want to watch TV, and then get distracted to play.

as soon as I study, I have a headache and a stomachache and want to drink water and go to the toilet.

but a small number of mothers secretly said with delight: fortunately, I trained my children's self-discipline relatively early, and now there is basically no need for us to force them to learn on their own initiative.

it is the dream of many families to have a self-disciplined child.

however, self-disciplined children are not born, and the family education behind the cultivation of a self-disciplined child is very important.

so, what kind of family is more likely to cultivate self-disciplined children?

01

A family that is good at setting rules

A netizen on Zhihu once shared his story:

he said that his parents spoiled him very much and grew up, no matter what kind of trouble he had caused, his parents would hold it for him and apologize to others.

but for his mistake, there are always only six words, that is, "he is still a child".

because his parents take care of everything, he becomes more and more unreasonable.

in his freshman year of high school, he became addicted to the Internet and often skipped class to play all night. After looking for his parents several times, the school saw that he still had his own way, so he was persuaded to quit.

now, his life is a mess.

when his parents scolded him for being "such a big man, but he had no self-discipline at all", he hated him very much and hated his parents for spoiling him when it was time to set rules and reason for him.

I remember that Dr. Dobson said in

"if there is a railing on the edge of a cliff, then people dare to look down against the railing, because they are not afraid to fall;

if there is no railing, people stop far from the cliff, let alone stand on the edge of the cliff and look down.

the railing is the boundary, and the child who knows the boundaries (rules) will have sense of security. On the contrary, the child without boundaries will not have sense of security, because he does not know where the measure of safety is. "

Smart parents know how to make rules with their children and enforce them gently and firmly.

after a period of time, children will form the habit of internalizing "heteronomy" into "self-discipline" in character.

especially when the child is young.

Professor Li Meijin once said:

when the child reaches puberty, we will exert pressure and tell the child to be "self-conscious". It will be too late.

while the child is still young, you might as well try to force the child. This "coercion" is not coercion or control, but the persistent belief that parents cultivate in their children's minds with the educational concept of responsibility.

this belief will become the key to children's self-discipline.

02

families that give their children autonomy

many people think that children with excellent grades are strictly disciplined by their parents, but they are not.

thepaper.cn has made an all-round analysis of 29 top students in the provincial college entrance examination.

when asked if your parents would interfere with your study, 86.21% of the top students said almost no, 13.79% chose occasionally, and the choice was often zero.

Why did they become high achiever without the intervention of their parents?

in psychology, there is a concept called "transfinite effect".

refers to the psychological phenomenon that causes psychological impatience or rebellion due to too much stimulation, too strong, or acting for too long.

the same is true in the development of children's self-discipline.

the more parents intervene and force, the more passive and poor their children are, and even more likely to have rebellious psychology.

those children who can exercise self-discipline must be children who have the right to choose on their own initiative.

as Professor Li Meijin said:

A mother made a "Don't yell Mom Treaty" with her third-grade son:

Chinese: if you can't, look it up in the dictionary, don't say "Mom"!

Mathematics: check it yourself when you're done, don't yell "Mom"!

English: use youdao for new words, don't yell "Mom"!

when you encounter difficulties, please try to solve them by yourself the first time. Don't call Mom without thinking.

parents sometimes need such a "no". They don't have to rush to do something for their child to obliterate his autonomy.

but to give children a certain degree of autonomy and believe that they have their own way, we just need to give appropriate guidance when necessary.

parents' best love for their child is not to protect him all his life, but to teach him self-discipline and responsibility.

because one day they will grow up and have to face the stumbles in life alone.

03

families whose children are often encouraged

like the writer's sentence

"where does a child's self-discipline come from?"

since he began to love the world, since he began to like himself, since he began to agree with the right way to open something.

his self-discipline rose from the bottom of his heart. "

to the point.

A child's self-discipline comes from his level of self-esteem. The higher the level of self-esteem, the stronger his self-discipline.

and if he has a low level of self-esteem and thinks I'm a mess, I can't. Anyway, I can't do anything, then he has no self-discipline at all.

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the basis of self-discipline is the recognition of self-worth.

"Why do I like math?"

when he was in middle school, he was the first in the class to make a difficult problem assigned by the teacher.

the teacher ran from the podium on the spot, touched his head and asked

"are you happier now than eating a candy?"

he said yes, and he has been in love with math ever since.

think that he is good at math, and he pays more attention to math, which in turn impels him to learn better. This is the magic of encouragement and fulfillment.

Professor Li Meijin also said:

so parents, do not be stingy with their own appreciation and praise, do not worry about their own praise, will make their children get carried away.

understand that every child who grows up is creating unlimited possibilities.

for children, the encouragement and affirmation of parents is the greatest motivation to cultivate self-confidence and develop self-discipline habits.

04

A family in which parents adhere to self-discipline

the author Liu Na, who blossoms in her spare time, shares her parenting experience after 11 years as a mother:

"when I am lazy, children will follow carelessness. When I am in a hurry and disorder, the children will muddle through.

on the contrary, if I am self-disciplined and peaceful, the child will be sensible and hard-working. "

I feel the same way.

We always ask our children to study hard and exercise self-discipline, but we often ignore that the parents are the original and the children are photocopies.

behind those self-disciplined children, there are often self-disciplined parents.

do you remember Chen Yixian, a genius at Tsinghua University who became popular on the Internet last year?

when he was in middle school, some parents in the class came to consult the head teacher. What if the children like to play with their mobile phones?

the head teacher invited Chen Yixian's father to talk about his views.

Dad Chen took out an old machine from his pocket and said:

people were first surprised, then sincerely admired.

it is the 21st century, and father and son still use the old man-machine, and there is no way to play games, let alone play TV dramas or short videos.

it is this restraint that gives Chen Yixian a good learning environment.

when Chen Yixian finishes his homework and has a rest, Chen's parents will not turn on the TV, but will choose to read.

under the influence of his parents, he was embarrassed to have fun, but read books with him.

self-discipline is not spoken, but done.

in the parent-child relationship, it is like the relationship between mirror and imaging.

when parents know self-discipline, restraint and orderly work and life, their children will understand, learn to imitate, and regard it as the highest standard.

parents' self-discipline by example is the best gift for their children, which can benefit them for a lifetime.

after all, the best educational concept is not worth the word "teaching by example".

05

the degree of self-discipline determines the height of a child's life.

set rules for the child as soon as possible, guide the child to become a person with rules and bottom lines;

give the child the right to choose independently and lead the child to open the door of interest;

encourage the child to "you can try". Let him sum up his true knowledge in his own practice.

influence children to become self-disciplined and efficient people, making unlimited possibilities in the effective time;

this is the real education.

the best gift parents can give their children is to guide them to develop the habit of self-discipline.

because self-discipline is the greatest freedom.