How to destroy a child? Yell at him, yell at him, yell at him.

01

A few days ago, my colleague took my son to work and showed me her lion roar.

originally the little boy studied very hard, but his colleague leaned over and found that the child had made a mistake in an application problem.

"what's the matter with you? How many times have I taught you how to do it? "

"Let me ask you, can you do this problem or not?"

she popped up angrily and began to yell at the child.

the boy was so frightened that he dared not speak and bowed his head trembling in silence. His little heart had long been twisted into a mess, and there was no mind to think about the problem.

my colleague insisted that his son say something ugly and continue to yell with a sullen face.

I heard her high decibel in the next office and quickly pulled her out.

after his mother left, the boy gushed with tears in his eyes and looked frightened.

when it comes to this colleague, he really loves his son and is especially willing to spend money and spend time with him, but he just likes to yell at his children:

he accidentally soiled his clothes during a meal and yelled at him;

long sleeve event wear brings out your beauty, elegance of silhouette as well as the unique sense of style. Let them endow you with a demonstration of refined taste.

he accidentally stumbled and yelled at him;

this is especially true in his studies. Children yell at each other because of a flaw.

under the education of this loud mother, her son seems to be well-behaved, but he is a little less energetic and confident.

A survey shows that more than 89% of parents across the country yell in the process of educating their children.

this seemingly common behavior actually hides a lot of harm.

02

Why do parents like to yell at their children?

the effect of yelling at children is "immediate". Parents use "roar" to express strong negative emotions, form a great deterrent, and oppress their children to obey.

there is a great disparity between adults and children. Out of the instinct of self-protection, no child dares to compete with his parents.

when a child's behavior annoys parents, a yell usually makes the child obedient. The effect is yes, but it will get weaker and weaker.

in the variety show "Hello Mom", Xu Lu said bluntly that she was so afraid of her mother that she even dared not take the initiative to talk to her.

Mother's seriousness and ruthlessness have become the shadow of her childhood.

once Xu Lu cried when she was a child, her mother was bound to yell, "Don't cry, shut up!"

in the face of a sharp and shrill roar, Xu Lu in her childhood would immediately shut up and dare not show it even if her heart burst into tears.

Roar is a sharp sword and magic weapon for parents to subdue their children, although it may stab their children in the heart.

and the most essential reason why they yell at their children so casually is that they regard their children as their own private belongings and allow themselves to vent their emotions, exercise high-pressure control and give orders.

parents ignore their children's dignity and feelings and only ask their children to be obedient. In the final analysis, they lack respect for their children.

in addition, the book "Don't yell or yell: how to calmly let children cooperate with their parents" also explores the deep-seated reasons why parents yell at their children, that is, "hereditary yelling".

the book points out: "roaring may be handed down from generation to generation and has become a part of family culture."

author Ronalena mentions a real case.

James grew up with the yelling and scolding of his parents in his childhood, and he vowed never to yell at his children again.

however, when he has a child, he repeats the mistakes of his parents. He will yell at his daughter's crying and messing up the dinner table, and before he knows it, he becomes the one he hates most.

there is a concept in psychology called "obsessive repetition", which refers to an experience that tends to repeat early traumatic experiences involuntarily.

sometimes, knowing that this behavior is wrong, it is always difficult to control it.

like the heartbreaking truth described by psychological counselor Lai Peixia in her speech:

in childhood, ignorant children were yelled at by their parents with hideous faces;

as adults, children who grow up also wear that hideous mask and pass it on from generation to generation.

03

what do children hear when they are yelled at?

I saw a Thai short film regret, and I was impressed.

Mother is a canteen worker, life is very stressful, she seldom accompanies her son, and the few words of mother-son conversation are full of gunpowder.

"Why don't you do your homework?"

"did you secretly spend your money on playing games? How dare you talk back! "

an aggressive mother gives her son the truest feeling: "my mother doesn't love me."

however, in fact, the mother worked hard and saved every penny for her son. However, this strong love was masked by the rudeness of the expression.

when a child is yelled at, his ears do not hear love, but parents' picky, dissatisfaction and negation.

this negative repulsive psychology will become a powerful motivation for children to rebel and escape in the future.

A few days ago, there was such a news that a young man in Heilongjiang ran away from home for six years because he was scolded by his parents.

when he was found by his parents, he was bony and desperate, but he still resisted all over and refused to follow his parents home.

in his heart, he still can't let go of his parents' scolding at that time.

yelling at children is an one-way top-down output of verbal violence, not an effective way of communication.

it often leads to children closing the door of communication, refusing to establish an emotional connection with their parents, let alone communicating deeply..

they yearn for their parents' care and sense of security, but they can't.

even, through self-negation, children will rationalize the behavior of "yelling" to their parents, thinking that they are not good and that they are really bad, thus becoming more and more inferior.

in addition, yelling at children has a hidden negative effect, which is often ignored by parents.

Martin A. Teicher, American Psychiatric Hospital affiliated to Harvard Medical School, believes that parents' long-term yelling at their children does change their children's brain and affect their intelligence.

the children who were attacked by their parents' language reduced the size of the hippocampus, while the hippocampus was mainly responsible for memory and emotion control.

when a child is yelled at, it will hinder his intellectual development and become more and more dull and worse.

04

parents are peaceful, children are happy

No parents are perfect, but we should all try our best to improve ourselves and be high EQ parents with low-voice education.

to avoid yelling, try the following methods.

Healing the wounds of childhood

looking back on my own childhood, I was often frightened to cry by my parents' yelling.

after having a daughter, I often have the impulse to yell at the child, but at this point, I immediately tell myself that I want to untie the knot.

embracing your inner child, establishing empathy and emotional connection with your child, and healing your inner wounds, can you transcend the pain of your original family.

avoid the intergenerational transmission of yelling by perceiving pain, reflection and constant practice.

using the "roar tracker"

it refers to the recording of the cause, time, frequency, reaction and feeling of one's own roar over a period of time.

some netizens found through the records that she was easy to yell at her children when dealing with multiple problems at the same time, such as answering the phone and doing housework.

so, when she is in the same situation, she will try to avoid educating her children, or consciously remind herself that slowly, she yells at her children less and less.

the purpose of tracking a roar is not to get caught up in self-blame, but to make a change by tracking, learning more about yourself, accepting yourself.

learn to brake emotions

emotional ABC theory holds that people's negative emotion C is not caused by event A, but by people's attitude towards events B.

in the face of parent-child conflict, parents might as well interpret the child's behavior positively and try to understand the child's motivation and psychological needs, instead of burning the child's sense of security with anger.

for example, when a child accidentally spills over a bottle of water, it is not because he is clumsy and deliberately messing up, but because he does not have a good balance;

for example, when a child blurts out a rude word, it is not his lack of upbringing, but is affected by the sensitive period of language.

the same behavior, different interpretations, will bring different emotional states, in order to better control emotions.

Fan Deng once said:

it is not easy to raise children, but parents are duty-bound.

when you encounter problems, please communicate well with your child, let him have a strong sense of strength and vitality, and feel love and respect. This is the best education.

finally, I wish all parents every success in quitting yelling as soon as possible!